The Progress of Defeat

Allen is sitting on the steps when I come out of my bedroom, blocking my dash downstairs where I will have just enough time to grab some breakfast before I head off to school. His head hangs low, an attitude of dejection.

“I’m giving up,” he says flatly.

“Alright,’ I say. I carefully move around him and down a few steps before I turn and face him. “What are you giving up on?”

“The dryer.” He sighs and looks up at me. “I tried. I really did. But…” he shrugs, “ nothing’s working.”

I nod sympathetically, but I am actually relieved. For the last three months, Allen has been obsessed with fixing the dryer, verging on a meltdown whenever I mention calling a repairman. “I can fix it!” he’d insisted. “Why won’t you just let me try?”

So I’d let him try. He ordered plugs and cables and cords from Amazon, took the back off the appliance and drilled holes into the panel, and spent days fuming about “companies that make things so they fall apart.” Once a week, I hauled the wet laundry to the laundromat and pondered my son’s need to try and revive things that no longer functioned.

It is a trait, I’ve learned, of those on the spectrum, a reluctance to accept loss. Be it a missing tool or the dryer, Allen simply cannot accept, grieve, or move on until he sees for himself that nothing can be done. It is an obsession that sets him apart from his siblings and keeps the shed in the backyard filled with things he’s “working on.”

And it’s part of the process I needed to allow him to go through when his father died suddenly last year; it began a nine month journey in which Allen tried everything imaginable to get his father to come back. The acceptance was hard won.

I reach  out now and touch my son’s shoulder. “It’s alright. I know you did your best. Some things just can’t be fixed.”

He heaves a heavy sigh. “I guess so. At least I know I did everything I could.” He leans his head against his hands and a few tears fall. I know he is mourning more than the dryer. I put my arms around his shoulders and we stay on the steps a few more moments, my breakfast forgotten.

“Well,” he says, standing up, “that’s that. Guess you’ll need to get a repairman.”

I think of the dryer parts strewn around the basement, cords running here and there. It is now the Frankenstein monster of dryers. “Or we can just get a new one.”

He grins. “That’s probably best.” He heads down the steps and I follow. It took nine months for him to accept the loss of his father. It took three months to accept the loss of the dryer.

It’s progress.

 

The Best Part

They say there's a place where dreams have all gone
They never said where, but I think I know
Its miles through the night just over the dawn
On the road that will take me home

 " I talked to Dennis for about an hour last night," my daughter says, "and we both agreed that often, Dad was the voice of reason."

    I smile from the passenger seat of her red Civic. When the various illnesses that plagued my husband rose to the surface, he could be anything BUT reasonable, but this is something I shielded my children from for two decades. I wanted them to see their father for his heart.

"It wasn't so much that he would say anything, " Bonnie continues, "it was just that he was there. Listening to us. Solid. Big. Like he had all the time in the world just to listen." She sighs. "I'd walk  in the house and he'd say, 'There she is! There's my girl and her beautiful smile!' and it was like nothing else mattered. Everything would be okay. You know?"

I know. While I have not missed the various nursing duties or the back breaking labor that fell on my shoulders during Ron's last years, I have everyday missed his solid presence. I miss coming home from school each day and telling him about my high school students and their struggles to learn English, the interesting characters I see on my train ride, or the latest idea I have for a story.

"The boys and I realize," she says as she makes a right turn into the drive, "that he wasn't always that calm. That when we were there it was different than when it was just you. We know there was a lot of..." she searches for a word,"...disquiet."

And when I pass by, don't lead me astray don't try and stop me, don't stand in my way
I'm bound for the hills where the cool waters flow
On the road that will take me home

I nod as we drive up the gentle slope of Lawncroft Cemetery. The bells of the carillon--a sound my husband loved--are playing.  I think back to a conversation I had with my oldest son, Dennis, years ago when Ron was in a crisis center.

"We all know," he said, "that you often throw yourself on the live grenade that is Dad to protect us. You let us still have, well, Dad."

It had been a conscious decision I'd made early on when bipolar disorder and manic episodes ruled our days. I told myself that while I could do little to keep the illness from affecting Ron, I could do my darnest to make sure it did not affect our children or their love for their father.

"Look!" says Bonnie and gestures to a family of deer standing deer a grove of trees. "How pretty!" The doe and three fawns stand motionless on the hillside while the bells of the carillon echo in the air.

I take a deep breath. Sometimes the ache is so deep and raw that I need a few moments to recover. My daughter understands. We watch the deer for a moment and listen to the fading music, then pull around the curve at the top of the hill. She stops her car next to the bent oak tree.

Love waits for me round the bend, leads me endlessly on
Surely sorrows shall find their end
And all our troubles will be gone

I reach into the back and gather up the poinsettias as Bonnie surveys the area. "It's quiet up here," she says. "Even though the highway is right over there. It's a good spot for Daddy. He liked to be near the action!"

Silently we walk towards Ron's final resting place. In the last sixteen months, the grass has grown over the burial mound. Bonnie stoops and brushes dried leaves and grass from her father's marker, tracing his name with her finger. Ronald A. Cobourn. 1951-2019. We remove the fall flowers from the holder and struggle with the poinsettias, arranging and rearranging until she is satisfied. We kneel there for a few moments, our memories thick. She takes my hand as we walk back to the car.

I know in my bones, I've been here before
The ground feels the same, tho the land's been torn
I've a long way to go, the stars tell me so
On this road that will take me home.

"I don't come here often," she says. "He's not really here."

"Just what Allen says," I reply, thinking of my youngest child whose autism made acceptance of his father's death difficult. "Allen says it's just Dad's old broken body that he doesn't need anymore."

"He's right," she says and she pops the locks on the car doors. We slide in. "Daddy's in heaven now. He's not sick anymore." She puts the key in the ignition and turns to me. "Thanks," she says quietly.

"For what?"

"For giving Dennis and Allen and me the best part of Daddy. For letting us have that part." She puts the car in gear and sighs. "We know it wasn't easy." She pulls away from the grave site and slowly drives down the hill.  

I touch my hand to my heart. "But I kept the best part, too," I say. 

Bonnie smiles and we exit the cemetery
as the bells begin to play again.

And I know what I've lost and all that I've won
When the road finally takes me home
I'm going home, I'm going home, I'm going home

Make it Beautiful

 The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing

 Isaiah 51:3

The dream felt real to me. The garden grew up around us, scarlet rhododendrons and sunshine yellow daffodils pushing their way through the cracks in the pavement beneath our feet. I breathed in the flowery fragrances of the blooms, marveling at the spring-like abundance so late in the autumn. 

I felt a light touch on my arm and smiled at my husband. His image was wavy, translucent. "You did this," he said and waved his hand at the abundance around us. His silver wedding ring--nestled in my jewelry box for the last 15 months--gleamed in the sun.

"I'm no gardener," I said and shook my head. "Everyone knows I make plants die."

Ron smiled gently. "Yes, you are. You've made beauty for me, for the kids, for your students, for your readers. You've taken what was hard and painful and made something beautiful from it." He stamped a strong foot onto the pavement. "You've done what very few people could do."

I took a deep breath. "I did what I had to do."

Ron took my hand. His hair, fully gray the last time I saw him in his casket, was the blue-black of his twenties. "That's just it. You didn't have to." His voice became a gentle whisper. "I know how awful it was, how exhausting."

"For both of us," I said. I noticed that his form was beginning to fade, the lovely blossoms of my garden clearly visible through his frame. "Stay," I said softly.

"I can't," he said. "If I was here," and he turned his head, taking in the abundance around us, "none of this would have happened. I just wanted to tell you, well, I knew you'd be okay. When I had to leave, I knew you'd make a new and wonderful life for yourself. I knew you'd help the kids to move on." He plucked a single pink rose from a bush thar had sprung up next to him. No thorn pricked his hand. He held it beneath his nose for a moment, his clear lungs breathing in the fragrance. "It's your turn now," he said and handed the rose to me.

I took it and touched its velvety petals. "It's lovely," I said.

"Just as your life will be," Ron said. "Your long life. You have lots to do." He blew a kiss towards me. "I'm so proud of you." He melted into the garden.

And I held onto the rose, breathing in the heady fragrance of my husband's love. 

Story of a Chair

 There are hot tears running down my cheeks when I wake up a full hour before my alarm is set to go off. I lay quietly for a moment, assessing my feelings: I am unsettled and sorrowful. The last few days have brought many reasons for unrest into my soul; there have been shootings, racial unrest, and lootings near the city high school where I teach. But this feels more private, a personal grief. I fling my arm across to my husband's side of the bed and grab his pillow, bringing it close.

The pillow no longer has Ron's scent. I burrow my face into it, will my heart to continue beating, and the reason for my early morning sadness becomes clear.

The chair.

Last night, my son and I heaved and shoved and pushed my husband's heavy lift chair out to the porch, down the steps, and onto the front lawn where our town's heavy trash truck will pick it up in the morning. Weighing 168 pounds, it was not an easy feat. I clutch Ron's pillow to my chest and remind myself it was equally hard to bring it in.

I'd been looking for a lift chair for my disabled husband for months, but the price tag always made me shudder. The week before Ron's 68th birthday, I saw an ad on Facebook Marketplace: "Lift chair, maroon, good condition, $200." I called the number and arranged to drive down to Kennet Square on Saturday to look at it. My son and I left the house early, telling Ron's hospice nurse we'd be back by noon.

The chair was ugly, but serviceable. We lashed it onto the back of my Nissan with bungee cords and I eased back up Route 1 with my flashers on while Allen kept an eagle eye on the chair. Once home, my strong son managed to push the chair up the hill in front of our house, bully it up the steps, and squeeze it through the doorway. We put it by the fireplace, in perfect line with the television, and made a sign for the seat: Happy Birthday!

I'd wanted the chair to soothe the physical problems of Ron's hurt body; I still had hope that he'd improve. I envisioned the possibility of a future for us, the trip to Hawaii we wanted to take, golden years spent together. 

The first week we had the chair,  Ron pulled on the remote too hard and snapped the wires; I ordered a new one on Amazon. The second week, Ron pushed his weight against the arm and it pulled away from the frame of the chair; Allen turned the chair on its side and hammered the arm in place. The third week, Ron fell against the foot rest and bent the frame; Allen used a hammer to straighten it out. The fourth week, Ron ripped the pocket on the side; I took a tapestry needle and carpet thread and sewed it back. The fifth week, the electrical cord shorted out: Allen went to the hardware store and bought a new one.

By the sixth week, we had no need of a lift chair.

As faint morning light begins to lighten my bedroom, I wrap my arms around Ron's pillow and hug it. There is a light tap at my door. "Mom?" says Allen. "Are you awake?"

"Yes," I say, sitting up in bed. "Come in."

Allen's 6 foot 6 inch frame fills the doorway. 

"Couldn't sleep?" I ask.

"Thinking."

"Me, too." I pat the space on the bed next to me and he sits down, leaning his head against my shoulder. Allen's life on the autism spectrum made accepting his father's death particularly difficult. 

"I know it was time to get rid of Dad's chair," he says. "No one but the cat sat in it now. And I know it made you sad to see it everyday. But it feels like there's a...hole, you know?" He puts his hand on his heart. "Like an empty space." 

I nod. "But it won't always be empty. We'll fill it with new memories and put Dad into them."

He sighs. We sit there, our heads bowed together, and we hear the rumble of the trash truck as it pulls up to our house and squeals to a stop. Allen makes a move to rise; I put a hand on his knee and he slumps back onto the bed.

        "We need to let it go," I whisper and he nods. There are voices, faint and low, drifting across the front         lawn.  Truck doors slam. We hear the rev of the engine as the truck moves away from the  house.

        Allen rises and looks out my bedroom window. "It's gone," he says. "Dad's chair is gone." I join him         at the window, and for a few more moments we gaze out at the empty front yard. Our arms around             each other, we cry.

 

 

Pointy Things

 My new paring knife is missing and I need it for the roasted potatoes I am preparing for our Sunday supper. I shout to my son.

“Allen! Where is my paring knife? The one with the black and gray handle!” I specify the color because two other knives--both with plain black handles--have been heisted from the utensil drawer by Allen, who says they are both his and now reside in, respectively, his tool box and his shaving kit. 

“Was it a pointy thing?” asks Allen.

Yes. Pointy and sharp and metal. A knife. You know, a knife!

But Allen doesn’t know. The concept of specific names for things is difficult for him to grasp. He can easily recall what we name articles of clothing--socks, shoes, shirts, pants--but other things have much more fluid labels. 

“What’s that wooden thing we use on the leaves, Mom?” he will ask me.

“A rake?”

“Ah, yes. A rake. A rake.” He’ll repeat it several more times, trying to embed it in his brain that has too many synapses trying to make connections. He’ll probably ask me the name again when the leaves start to fall.

The rooms in our house are, to Allen, defined only by their contents. The living room is, “the place where we watch movies”, the kitchen is, “where we keep the refrigerator”, and the dining room is, currently, “where the computer is.” I can understand his confusion with the dining room which has been, in his lifetime, “the room with the big table,”, “the room where we do our homework,” and --in the last year of my husband’s life--”where Dad sleeps in the funny bed.”

Not only are the monikers changeable, the use of the items in our house are flexible. I see a dented tea kettle with a melted handle and Allen sees a steam engine used to power a mini-bike. I fold up a box from Amazon and place it in the trash and he shouts, “Mom! I can use that for my safety stand!” I do not know what his safety stand is and I don’t ask. I just hand over the cardboard.

If I want to throw something away, I wrap it in a black plastic bag and bury at the bottom of the trash bin.

“Great grandpa Waltersdorf would have loved you,” I tell my son. “He liked to collect things. He had a ball of string--little bits he’d saved and tied together--this big.” I spread my hands the width of a pumpkin.

“Where is it?” asks Allen. I’m sure his brain is already thinking of constructing an intricate spider web he can use to catch energy waves.

I shrug. “Gone long before you were born.” He looks sad, probably at the loss of the string and not a great grandparent he never knew.

Like those of many people who exist on the autism spectrum, Allen’s thought processes are often difficult to change. Supper must be at 5:30, Friday is when we order pizza, and market day is Thursday. The predictability helps him stay grounded in a world that changes too fast. Social skills are not his strength; we work hard to prepare for any situation involving people outside his immediate family, laying the foundation weeks in advance and social stories to help him with societal expectations. “I don’t know why that’s important,” he will say when I ask him to comb his unruly hair before his grandmother comes, “but I’ll do it.”

His rigidity in some areas is a dichotomy to his creativity. He sees objects and their potentials in a way no one else can. The tangled copper wire in the basement will become the spokes of a bike designed for outer space. The 2 by 4 on the porch with the pulley and rope will serve as the support for the elevator of his sister’s new house. I see none of these possibilities in these items,  but, as he points out to me, I’ve got about a hundred skeins of yarn stored in my closet that I envision as blankets and sweaters.

It is the need to create--to DO something--that helped Allen come to terms with his father’s death last year. While his brother and sister mourned in more conventional ways, the additional synapses in his neurotypical brain provided him with excess information. He needed to see for himself that his dad, no matter how much he wanted it, was not coming back. I think of it like reading an encyclopedia that has no index. Allen doesn’t know how to pare the input down.

I’ve come to understand my son and his different way of looking at life. I, too, can be flexible. 

“I don’t know where the gray and black pointy thing is,” he tells me, “but you can use mine.” He obligingly brings me the black handled pointy thing from his Dopp kit, used to clean his razors. Resigned, I wash it in hot water, pare my potatoes, and hand it back to him. He watches me carefully, making sure I do not slide it into the utensil drawer. 

“Thank you, “ I say.

“Anytime,” he says before he carries it upstairs. “You can use it anytime. Just ask.”

I smile as he leaves the room. On my way home from work tomorrow, I will stop at the Family Dollar Store and buy a new pointy thing, perhaps red. I will stow it among my baskets of wool and mohair and cotton on the shelves of my closet, a place Allen never goes. He, poor thing, cannot see the possibility of creations among the rainbow colors.

He sees only yarn.

The Summer of Nothing. And Everything.

Remember that question teachers used to ask on the first day back at school?

What did you do on your summer vacation? 

I stopped asking that question years ago, too aware of the inequities among my students that allowed some to go to horseback riding camp at the country club and take cruises to Bermuda, while others needed to work a part-time job and babysit younger siblings. I also stopped asking because my own summers were usually rift with negative things: hospital stays, ER visits, complex surgeries, teaching summer classes, and the exhaustion that came from caring for a chronically ill spouse.

Nothing I wanted to share.

At our first back-to-school PD of 2019, the leader asked that question. I declined to answer. If I had, it would have been one sentence.

I buried my husband.

The weeks following Ron's passing were filled the complexities of a death. I had forms to fill out, finances to juggle, and an autistic son who did not understand the finality of his dad leaving. Then school started back up in September and Allen and I were figuring out our new normal when the pandemic forced us all into a virtual reality. Life was busy, busy, busy.

This summer, though, has been different. The What did you do on your summer vacation? question is one I would be happy to answer.

Nothing.

And in doing nothing, I did everything.

We Americans are oddly proud of our ability to work 60+ hours a week, eschewing our paid vacation days, and working at home on the weekends. Typically, we work 30-90 minutes a day more than our European counterparts. We wear our exhaustion like badges of honor. For all of our work ethic, though, we are only 5th for productivity among the developed countries. Know who's first?

Luxembourg. Tiny little Luxembourg. 

This little Grand Duchy in Europe is only 998 square miles but ranks as the most productive country in the world. They have a 29 hour work week, get 25 paid vacation days, and 10 national holidays. Except for the travel industry, there is no work on Sunday. And everyone in the country speaks three languages: French, German, and English.

Clearly, we've got this wrong.

The Italians have a similar concept when it comes to work/life balance. La Dolce far Niente, the "sweetness of doing nothing", is a sharp contrast to our American expression of "I can sleep when I die." Not to rain on your plans or anything, but when I get to Heaven I plan on doing much more than sleeping. I want to enjoy those streets paved with gold, visit loved ones, and eat a hot fudge sundae without counting the calories.

I Corinthians 10:31 tells us "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." (ESV). The Apostle Paul provides some motivating factors for his words in 1 Corinthians 6:12, but the basic point is this: Do it all for the glory of God. All of it. Is working ourselves into a frazzle pleasing God? Is it forwarding His kingdom? Or are we serving ourselves and our bottom lines?

When June 12th and summer finally rolled around, I needed a serious rest. Learning to teach high school students English as a Second Language on line and coping with the first year of widowhood following years of caring for an ill husband left me beyond exhausted. I felt like the limp wet noodle my grandmother--God bless her--would threaten to smack me with. We were still in the throes of the pandemic so a long vacation was not in the plans.

So I sat. On my back deck. In my living room. In the chair out front. I napped in the afternoon, and took evening walks to the river. Every Tuesday, my son and I went on a field trip to an open area: national parks, beaches, wildlife preserves. We played games and watched movies. For the first time in a very, very long time, I found myself feeling well-rested. I found myself reconnecting with myself. With my own spirit. With God.

I'd planned on doing a deep Bible study on the attributes of Mary during the summer. I even bought the book. But more often than not, I just found myself sitting outside with a second cup of tea, admiring my newly planted garden, and listening to the sounds of the morning. For the first time in decades, I became attuned to the still, small voice of God. I realized that my life did not have to be about activity 24/7. 

Susan Smalley, PhD, Professor Emeritus at the UCLA Department of Psychiatry, says, “Science is starting to show the value of spending time in silence, in nature, and in not engaging in constant external stimulation. We need time doing ‘nothing’ to be our best selves: well-rounded and creative human beings. The ‘doing’ side of our nature needs a ‘being’ side to be in balance.”

There is something in our brains that scientists call the Default Mode Network (DMN). When we are quiet with ourselves, this amazing network allows us to see patterns in new ways, to problem-solve, and to come up with creative ways to engage with the world. So, in doing nothing, at least for a short while, we are really doing everything.

This summer, I did everything. While I did nothing. I in no way regret the time I spent caring my my chronically ill husband. I'd give him another 19 years in a heart-beat. 

Let's face it, friends. God as the Creator of all Things did not NEED to rest on that 7th day. He did it for our sake, as a model for us frail humans to follow. He did it so that we might recover from the sweat of our brow and the carpel tunnel syndrome in our wrists. 

We've sort of blown it. But it's not too late.

I did nothing this summer. But I also did everything. And even as school starts again and my time is divided into 45 minute segments, I want to continue to build into my schedule this all-important, life-altering practice. I'm getting pretty good at it, but as with any art, I need more practice.

In the fine art of doing nothing. 

Voices from the Edge: God, Dad, and the Fortress of Solitude

“All of us need a private space. Autistic children need their secret places too in which they can hide and retreat to their own world. After all autism is a withinness disability and autistic children need the security of their own hideaways. I had mine, it was a place for me to think and recharge myself.” Temple Grandin

FedEx:Delivered 07/23 at 5:23 PM.

"Allen," I call into the dining room where Allen is playing a game on my computer. "I just got a text that your tent was delivered!"

"Really?" my son shouts back to me. "I thought it was going to be late!" I hear the chair scrape across the

floor and the sliding door Allen keeps shut to block out the game noises is opened. Excitedly, he rushes to the front door, eager to retrieve the package we ordered two weeks ago. I settle back into my rocking chair and pick up my knitting. A lot of preparation has gone into this event. We have put up a shed, sorted through Allen's collections of salvaged items stored for the last year under a tarp on the patio, and engaged in long conversations about the usefulness--or not--of certain things. The patio is now clear and ready for the tent--a pop-up gazebo--that will provide a space for Allen to work on his projects.

Like others who live on the autism spectrum, Allen needs his own personal space. It has not always been easy to attain in a small three-bedroom row house with siblings and a series of "lost boys" trooping in and out. A year ago, he claimed his now-married sister's abandoned room--once my office--as his project room, but I've lately been dropping hints about taking it back. Ordering the gazebo provided a space for Allen during the warmer months but also served as a prompt for him to clean off the patio. Win, win.

Or not. Allen comes in from the front yard, fists clenched together, struggling to control his breathing. "Let me see the text" he yells and grabs my phone. "Well, it says it was delivered but it was not! They are lying to me!"

I sense the beginning of a melt-down, something we struggle to avoid and have been managing well lately. I speak slowly and calmly; chances are, my son will follow my lead. "Hmmm," I say. I notice his breathing levels out. "Well, let's think about what we should do. Let's think about other things we've had delivered that didn't arrive."

Allen sits on the edge of the couch, my cell phone still in his hand. He stares at the text again. In a moment, he speaks. "We look in other places. Like neighbors' houses."

"Right!" I say, happy he is moving into problem solving. "So, let's go do that."

I abandon my knitting and my peaceful evening and we venture out into the summer night, heading in opposite directions as we check the porches and front stoops of neighbors. But, alas, the box is not to be found. I steel myself for what might happen.

But Allen remains calm. "There's that guy down the street with the dog," Allen says. "Sometimes we get packages for him and we have to drop them off. Maybe he got ours today."

"Good thought," I say so Allen grabs his car keys and takes a short drive to the mentioned house. I take the opportunity to call Fed Ex and reach a real live person, which is not an easy thing to do and may possibly cause me to have my own meltdown. I am told, politely, that the package was delivered but the driver will be contacted and someone will get back to me. I hang up knowing that no one will.

Allen returns and does a little bit of verbal stimming--grunts and groans--before he settles onto the couch again. "The thing is," he says, "I NEED the tent. It's, like, my space. My own personal space. I need it to work on my projects. I need it so you can have your office back." He eyes me. "You know, that, right?"

I assure him that I do know that and that I have called Fed -Ex. It is getting late now and there is not much more we can do tonight except wait, something Allen is not very good at.

He heaves a deep sigh. "There is one more thing we can do," he says. He gulps. "We can pray."

I am surprised to hear this as an option. It has been over a year, to my knowledge anyway, that Allen has prayed. I speak slowly, carefully. Allen is like a baby deer, sometimes, easily spooked. "Well," I say in my totally calm teacher voice, "that is a good idea. What made you think of such a good idea?"

He shrugs but I can tell he is pleased. "Well, Dad always liked my projects, right?" I nod. "But Dad is in Heaven with God now, right?" I nod again and try to keep tears from falling. "So I thought maybe Dad could talk to God about it, and let God know how much I NEED the tent. I think God will listen to Dad because, well, God's a dad, too."

I cannot argue with Allen's logic so together we bow our heads while Allen prays: "Dear God, if you have the time, could you go find my dad? He can tell you why I need the tent and how important it is to me. And if you talk to him, tell him Allen says 'hi'." My son finishes his prayer and looks up expectantly. "I'll check!" he says and goes to open the front door. "Nothing yet." He shuts the door again. "But there's a lot of people in Heaven. It might take God a while to find Dad."

I nod, not trusting my voice to speak.We watch an episode of Marvel: Agents of Shield. Allen prays again. And, after he has gone to bed, I add my own prayer. Fervently. On my knees.

The first thing Allen does the next morning is check for his package. It's also the second and the third thing he does. While he goes outside to move a few things into the shed, I make a phone call to the company that sold the tent. The woman I speak with, Jennifer, offers to send us a replacement or a refund. I tell her I will talk to Allen and let her know.

I am on my way outside, reluctant to damage Allen's fledgling faith, when I hear a thump at the front door. My heart pounding loudly, I go to the door and there, on the step, in all it's banged up and taped back together glory is a long heavy box. There is a picture of the gazebo tent on it.

"Thank you, God!" I shout as I rush through the kitchen and to the back door. "Allen!" I call across the yard. "It came! Your tent came!"

As excited as any small boy on Christmas morning, Allen rushes to the front and pulls the purloined package into the house, unpacking it and laying the pieces out carefully. "Wow," he says time and again. "Wow. God heard me. He must have talked to Dad!"

We haul the pieces to the patio and, with some effort and muscle, manage to get the gazebo upright and stable. Allen walks around happily hammering the tent stakes in place and asking which of the deck chairs he can use. Any of them, I tell him. I am probably as happy as he is that his place, his fortress of solitude, is now up and ready. But in a moment, I am even happier.

Allen, my tall son who has lived all of his life on the edge of the autism spectrum, who has struggled to adapt to a world he does not understand, who has in the last year come to a peaceful acceptance of his father's death, stands in the middle of the tent, his arms open to encompass his own territory. "Every time I am in my work space," he says, " I will remember that Dad still loves me." He lowers his voice. "And, I guess, God does, too."

Seashells and Shaving Cream

But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I  decide on coral and teal. If I cannot go to my happy place at the beach this year, I tell myself, I will bring the beach to me, beachy colors that will calm my soul every time I take a shower. Happily, I order a shower curtain and a window shade online. While I wait for the packages to arrive, I gather other items: new peach and white flowers for the washing pitcher that belonged to my grandmother, the little jar of seashells we bought in Bermuda, a pink candle I find in the downstairs cabinet. Amazon delivers on Thursday and on Friday, armed with cleaning supplies and a trash bag, I head up to the hall bathroom to refresh my soul with happy things.

I am delighted with the colors, glad that the light gray walls allow me to change the decor without major expense. I have even indulged in new curtain hooks in the shapes of seashells and starfish. I delve into the top drawer of the cabinet under the window. Time to clear out the clutter! I toss empty shampoo bottles, old toothbrushes, and a dried up jar of Vaseline with happy abandon. I reach into the very back of the cabinet and pull out a can.

And I stop and sink to the teal colored rug on the floor of the bathroom, holding a can of Barbisol shaving cream in my hand, and cry.

This was Ron's. The only kind he ever used, the kind that was put into his Christmas stocking by one of the kids every year and given on each Father's Day along with Old Spice aftershave. The can still emits the faint, clean scent of my late husband. Quickly, the memories come pouring into my mind: Ron on our honeymoon, carefully shaving while I watched, fascinated by the contours on my new husband's face. Ron on our trip to Jamaica, needing to buy a different brand of shaving cream at the gift shop--at an outrageous price--because he forgot to pack it. I probably said a few unkind words. Ron sitting in his wheelchair, no longer able to hold the razor, giving me instructions while I lathered his face and prayed I would not cut him. Ron in his hospital bed, the nursing aide using an electric razor to trim his bushy gray beard.

Memories, psychology tells us,  allow us to relive special moments in our lives, both good and bad (Psychology Today). And God designed memories so we could relive not only the grand moments of our lives, but the small and  intimate details that make up the years, the relationships. A marriage.

There on the bathroom rug, the shaving cream in my hand, I recall Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart." I want to believe that these small moments--Jesus in his infancy and childhood, ordinary moments to anyone but a mother--are what gave her the courage she needed to bide him farewell.

It has been a year and a little since I bide Ron farewell. Not forever, but for now. I am learning to negotiate the path one step at a time, making a new life for myself and my autistic son, allowing myself to cry over a can of shaving cream and store up a few more treasures in my heart.

It was a long battle for us,  an uphill battle of many years and many illnesses. We learned in those years, Ron and I, to treasure the small moments of peace: a shared meal from a hospital tray, a day without surgery, a cup of tea after work drunk at his bedside. God was faithful on our upward climb. The road was often dark and treacherous, the path unknown.

The path led Ron to Heaven.

I walk alone now, on a new path of widowhood. I have not "moved on" from Ron, but I have "moved forward," twisting those many years of care taking--what was often back-breaking and soul-crushing--into my life. I hang coral colored curtains and seashell curtain rings. I cry over small things.

God is still faithful.

The tears are a healing balm. Soon I am able to get up from the rug in the middle of the bathroom floor and toss the empty can into the trash bag. I hang my new curtains, place my little memories around the room. I touch the seashell shaped curtain hooks one by one, each one a memory of a happy day. 

My husband is still here, in each action I take, each thought I think. Like the coral and the teal colors I have chosen, he calms my soul.

Heart Beat

Shattered...

Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor

"Your husband's heart is very damaged," said Dr. Hoffman. She stood next to our chairs in the trauma waiting room, still wearing a blue surgical gown. "His aorta was crushed by the steering wheel. And he's sustained a lot of other damage in his chest and pelvis. But, he's survived the surgery. There may be other complications later on, but for now he is stable."

My daughter and I were numb after eight hours spent in molded plastic chairs, eight hours of twisting our hands and praying. During the evening and early morning hours, friends and church members had stopped by to pray and wait with us. Now, at 2AM, it was just Bonnie and me and our minister.

"You can see him for a moment," said Dr. Hoffman. "Then you all need to go get some sleep. Don't set the alarm for work or school. Just sleep. We'll call you if anything happens."

Ron lay on the stretcher in the recovery room, still and gray, wires and tubes connected everywhere to his body. A screen above showed his heart beat in glowing green. I touched his right shoulder, one of the few places on his body without an electrode. "Stay with me," I whispered to him. "Tell your heart to keep beating."

And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

"Is he still alive?" asked the voice on the other end of the phone. "I just got the  message you left. Mom, tell me, is Dad still alive?"

Bonnie, Allen, and I had huddled together in my bed for a few hours, trying to sleep away some of the fears we were feeling. One of us would drift off for a few moments, but inevitably we would wake up and grab for each other. Thoughts ran through my head: What now? How would we get through this? Could I be strong enough for Ron, for our children?

Tears streamed down my face as I responded to my son, away at college. "Yes," I said. "Dad's still alive. When we left him at a couple hours ago, his heart was still beating."

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again.

"The surgery on his pancreas was successful," said Dr. Harbison. "He'll be on a feeding tube for a while, and gradually we'll reintroduce solid foods. But his heart has become enlarged. It's not working at full capacity. He'll spend some time in the telemetry unit, but I think he is going to need a pace-maker. We'll watch him for a few days until he's stronger." 

I made notes on the pad I kept in my purse as he talked. Terms once foreign to me--pancreas, spleen, telemetry- were now part of my everyday vocabulary. "I'm assuming you will give him a diet to follow when he's released, things that are easy to digest and that will keep his blood sugar level. When can I see him?"

"In about half an hour," he said. "We've had some trouble bringing him out of the anesthesia."

"It always happens," I said.

He paused for a moment and checked Ron's chart. "I see this is his--fourth surgery in the last year? This must be hard on you."

"It is," I agreed. "But we're a strong family. The kids and I figure it out as we go along." I smiled as I put the notebook back in my purse. "As long as his heart keeps beating, we'll keep fighting."

Beginning

Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

"Your pulse is very weak. Mr. Cobourn, I think you're going into A-fib. Are you with me? Stay with me!" shouted the nurse.

I grabbed Ron's hand. "Come on, honey. Keep breathing." I turned to the nurse who was busily raising the bars

on the stretcher Ron laid on. "Shall we call 911?" I asked her. "Do we need the paddles? Is his pace maker working?"

"It will be quicker to run him across the street to Temple," she said. "I'll push. Go hold the elevator!" 

I picked up Ron's things and ran down the hallway of the medical building on Broad Street, determined to stop traffic if I had to in order to get Ron into the Emergency Room across the street. "I'll call them that we're on our way!" I said as I furiously pushed the button for the elevator. The nurse arrived, breathless with her exertion, and the doors slid open. I leaned over my groggy husband and whispered in his ear, "Tell your heart to keep beating. Tell it not to stop."

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace

"It's his heart" said the voice on my cell phone. "As you know, it's terribly scarred from so many surgeries and infections. And it's only working at 25% capacity. Dr. Araidne needs to do an ablation but since you have medical power of attorney..."

"I know," I said as I opened up my desk drawer and picked up my purse. My elementary  students were  out on the playground and the Reading lesson was on the board. 

"How soon can you be here?"

I checked the clock on the wall. " Maybe 30 minutes," I said. "I'm just up on Academy Road. I can get to Hahnemann pretty quickly."

"Okay. We'll let the surgeon know."

I grabbed my purse and locked the door. I would run by the office and tell the secretary I was leaving for the hospital; my reading students would have to stay in their classroom. Quickly, I strode over to the parking lot and got into my car. "Tell your heart to keep beating," I whispered to my husband. "Just a little while longer."

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far

"We did everything we could," said the EMT. "There is nothing else we can do. His heart just..stopped. Between one beat and the next." He laid a hand on my arm. "I wish we could have done more."

I took a deep breath. "He's been through a lot. Too many hospitalizations. Too many surgeries. Nineteen years of too much for one man to deal with." I let the tears fall from my face. "He stayed as long as he could. He kept his heart beating for us."

The EMT bent to put the instruments back into his bag. "The medical examiner will be along later. But I think cause of death is obvious." He straightened up. "You took good care of him, Mrs. Cobourn. Never doubt that." He sighed. "Frankly, he shouldn't have lived this long. He did because he loved you."

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

"Dad's okay now," I said to my three children, huddled together on the deck out back while the EMT's finished up. "He's not in pain anymore. I promised him...I promised him we would all be okay. I promised him we would  move on with our lives. I promised him we would always remember him."

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

"Good-bye," I whispered as I leaned over the casket. "It will take some time, I know. But I want you to know I will be okay. Your love will always be part of me. My heart will beat for you."

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again